Whole Mama’s Wisdom

One of my dearest friends, Amy, came to me via the same path many friends have–my daughters. She is smart, witty, a touch acerbic, challenging, outspoken, honest and enjoys a good glass of wine as much as I do. She is 6 years my junior, the mother of six, a bit germ-a-phobic and a terrific writer. We are similar in enough ways to cement a deep bond, and different enough to chafe the other into an occasional rash, if not real growth.

Almost 6 years ago, our oldest daughters met while waiting in line for the 7th grade to begin. Roughly 6 weeks later, I met Amy at the birthday party she hosted for her oldest, Emily. In the last (almost) half-dozen years, we have supported each other through it all: deaths, moves, hormone changes, teenage dramas, job losses, etc. And, we have celebrated each other’s successes. (Did I mention she’s been published in the Wall Street Journal, writes for World Magazine and a personal blog, http://www.wholemama.com , and is finishing a book?) In best friends’ fashion, together we cry, we rejoice, we support, we laugh (a lot), and we learn from each other. (I probably learn more from her than she from me, but sshhhhh–I might end up chafing. 🙂 )

This past weekend she passed through not one, but two, of the most significant transitions any mother can pass through; Emily married and left the nest. Now, before you do the math and cry foul about “too young to marry,” hear me out. Better yet, hear the mother-of-the-bride out.  I did and I was humbled by the love and grace she offered her daughter during this transition, a transition no less emotional for her than it was for her daughter.

In the last year, Amy and I had talked about the budding, and increasingly serious, relationship forming between Emily and the boy she had met through church. He is a good man, the kind she had hoped her daughter would one day find. We had talked about the likelihood they would eventually marry. What we hadn’t talked about was a wedding occurring only weeks after Emily’s high school graduation. Nonetheless, in the last two months, there was a proposal, an acceptance and, with a fast approaching departure date for the Air National Guard’s basic training, a wedding.

I wondered how Amy could do it; how could she allow her first-born to marry so quickly, so young? Didn’t she know the statistics? Didn’t she worry? Silly questions to pose to any mother, really. Of course she worries; she’s a mother. And yes, she knows the statistics. But, more importantly than statistics, she knows her child.

Was the timing ideal? Who knows? What Amy did know, and generously shared with me, is that she had the choice of rebuking her daughter’s choice and permanently damaging their relationship, or coming along side Emily as she made a life decision in the way she always has, as mentor, cheerleader, and counselor. Amy and Emily have been blessed with a beautifully close mother-daughter relationship. It has been nurtured in no small part by Amy’s willingness to give her daughter ample room to spread her wings, celebrating with her in success and offering a soft place to land in times of disappointment. She offered no less upon the news of a her daughter’s engagement.

Although I was a decade older than Emily when I married, my parents doubted my choice. They often struggled when their children made choices different from theirs. (Somewhere around my 12th anniversary, my father conceded that I may have gotten it right.) Though my father walked me down the aisle and he stood with my mother when asked “Who gives this woman to this man?” I still remember the hurt I felt knowing they did not fully support me that day. Even though I knew their concern was rooted in love, shadows of that pain lingered for several years.

As a parent, I now better understand their desire to protect their child from the potential pain of bad choices. However, as I once told my mother, if I make mistakes, they are my knees to skin. In the last 4 weeks I stood in awe as Amy released her first from the nest and into marriage. Regardless of personal concerns, and barring moral conflict, here was a mother supporting her daughter, valuing relationship over opinion, transitioning gracefully as her first left the nest. Might there be skinned knees along the way? There might be–but I have no doubts her mama will be there to help Emily through those days, too.

Thank you, Amy, for sharing so openly, for being the example of grace and love in a time of transition. May I remember your example when mine step out into the world.

On her way to the chapel, Amy shared some thoughts about early marriage and “completed books.”  Click on the links below to glean more wisdom from a Whole Mama.

http://online.worldmag.com/2011/07/21/is-early-marriage-doomed/

http://www.wholemama.com/2011/07/the-book-cest-finis/comment-page-1/#comment-15243

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7 thoughts on “Whole Mama’s Wisdom”

  1. My mom married at 19. When I was just turned 19, I told her I was engaged. She discouraged me from marrying before I finished college. Really, it was her marriage that was falling apart which caused her to push me so hard to delay my marriage. I don’t know if I would have had a stronger, weaker, or same strength marriage if I’d married at 19, but I do know that we’re still together almost 29 years later and with 25 years of marriage under our belt! Best of luck to the young couple!

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    1. Congratulations on 29 years together!

      There are so many differing schools of thought on the “right age” to marry, most often impacted by one’s own experience as it was in your mom’s case. I know my parents worried that I was “giving up on my dreams” (travel, career, etc.) by marrying who and when I did. I think, eventually, they were pleasantly surprised as I went on to fulfill them, with my husband as my biggest supporter. By marrying the man I did, I had held on to one of those “dreams” as well, to find a loving, supportive, funny man with whom to share my life.

      Any marriage has its ups and downs, but this young couple sought wise counsel, and with the blessings and support of their families, are well on their way to a long, happy life together.

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  2. Mary, your eloquence again inspires me. I so enjoyed observing Emily’s engagement period from afar via Facebook, and the story you relate here fills in the gaps and helps me get to know this couple a little more. Congratulations again to Emily, and to Amy and Ian as they have crossed a life hurdle with such grace and admiration.

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  3. I love Amy so much. I met their family by being Emily’s cello teacher for a time. Their family was the first to babysit our second child. I admire Amy so deeply and love their family so dearly. I have been awestruck with her grace these last months as Emily graduated, then became engaged, and then married. They really are such a beacon of light in this world.

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