Testing the weary

Butterfly
Image courtesy of Microsoft Office

I’ve sat down and started several different posts again this morning. However, the words are blocked, thoughts jumbled, and my heart disinterested. At first, I thought it was because almost every room downstairs stands in chaos with the kitchen remodel, but even after creating a “clean spot”,  I couldn’t settle myself.

I sat. I stared at my computer until my eyes blurred. Then, I realized what was niggling at me. My daughter, nearly 700 miles away at school, is growing weary. It’s that time in the semester when she can see the light at the end of tunnel, but there are still hurdles to clear.  Weeks of late nights and the stress of papers and tests, not to mention being away from her bed and her family, are wearing on her resolve. Not so much she would ever consider throwing in the towel, but enough to leave her feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable to the doubts that come in the night. Those subtle voices that make you question your choices and wonder if you are enough. The kind that make you long for a mama’s hug.

The other day, she sent me text asking me to remind her she’s enough, just as she is. She had had a rough day. My heart broke. I wanted to jump on a plane and run to her. I wanted to wrap her in my arms as I did after a fall when she was small. I wanted to pull her back into the (supposed) safety of our four walls. And then, I remembered she isn’t the little girl on the playground; she is an almost full-grown woman learning to trust her wings. And, it’s when our wings are tested, we really learn how to fly.

We texted back and forth. I offered reassurance, but did not offer to fly her home. She didn’t need that. She needed a mama’s love and ears, but there was nothing to “be fixed.”  She had had a bad day, and she did what any grown woman would do; she reached out to a trusted friend for some support. By the end of our texting conversation, I could tell she was feeling lighter, more confident, and so was I.

This morning, I re-read this post.  I wrote it at the very beginning of my Transitioning Mom journey. I needed the reminder. Some days, I want to pull my “babies” in close, hold them in my arms, and protect from the hurts in the world. I imagine I will always have days like that. Most days, however, I will keep my eyes set on the amazing, and very capable, young women my daughters have become, and I will find the strength to let them both test and trust their wings. Because, there are few things more beautiful than watching your children soar.

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8 thoughts on “Testing the weary”

  1. You have so beautifully put into words what every one of us has felt at some point. Yes, it’s so tempting to tell our kids to just get on a plane and come home, but how lucky are we to be considered their trusted friends. Going to call both of my kids right now! xo

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  2. I just love the fact that your daughter asked you to remind her that she is enough; she obviously knows that she is, but just needed the reassurance… sweet! This life is a continuous lesson, isn’t it Mary? We think we teach them so much, but it’s so wonderful when they ask a question, like the one that your daughter asked, and we realize they’ve got it… they just need that gentle nudge; we all do!

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  3. I think every single mom has been there—many times. I was almost there this weekend when the oldest called on his way back to grad school after a case competition. He sounded tired and worn out. He wants to just have a breather. And he will—next week. But it still made my heart ache that he was carrying such a big load right now. That’s what moms are for–to be there to offer support, not solve, but to just be there. You did a great job writing your angst.

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  4. Oh, I just love this, Mary! I love it with all my heart and soul and will keep it close to me as Maycee is growing and learning to be more and more independent, herself. I’m enjoying it and missing those dependent baby days all at once. XOXO-Kasey

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  5. Oh how your post brings a flood of memory… What a beautiful and loving thing it is to hold close with open hands. Thinking of both of you and sending a virtual hug.

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  6. “And, it’s when our wings are tested, we really learn how to fly.”

    Just letting her try to take her first steps, knowing she’d fall, you have to let her fly now. But you can text her, Skype her, email her, and call her, too. 🙂

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